I failed school, I failed you..

sitting alone in this half empty bus with a half empty heart..

tears trickle down my cheeks unnoticed, leaving the neckline of my shirt all wet..

it was just a minute after you left and I sat down when I took out my pen and paper to write this entry..

i could never have any better outlet at this time, instead of making the other passengers notice me sobbing, I just took out this stuff to write things out..

i thought this was enough..well, before it was..but now, I’m writing and crying at the same time..




i know you did that because of me..

even if I may sound assuming, I know this time I was right..
even though you tried to conceal the real reason..i knew it already even before I asked you..

you skipped class because of me..
because of the stupid me..
you skipped class to waste your time with me..
you skipped class to make me feel better..
you skipped class because you wanted to hug me..to calm me down..

to calm me because you felt how bothered I was because I got zero for the whole term in English..

i got zero because I didn’t give any effort in finishing my course project we we’re working on together..

i have disappointed you and Kate, I know how much effort you’ve put in that project of mine…

i have disappointed you in making me feel better coz I was so worried about the lesson you missed in Theology..i know you know how important it is to attend classes right.?

and I would never want to be the reason why you skipped one..
that’s why you never gave me that answer when I was asking you,
“Give me a valid reason kung bakit di ka papasok sa Theo.?”
all you could tell me was,
“Wala lang, ayoko lang, isn’t that reason enough.? Wala rin naman akong mauunawaan if I would stay there..”

at wala akong ibang ginawa kundi ang ulit-ulitin ang tanong na yunkahit na alam ko na rin naman yung sagot..stupid me..

you just dunno how much I wanted to kiss you when you looked straight into my eyes in front of my boarding house..

you just dunno how much I wanted to hug you inside the tricycle..

i just dunno how to because we were so cold at each other..




now, this is the second time that we parted ways still cold to each other and not clearing things up..

if I could just stay with you..
if I wouldn’t have to go home for church..
things would’ve been much better now..hai..

if I could just make you feel that your effort to make me feel better warmed my chilling heart the moment you told me that all you wanted was to hug me..

but I was so senseless, maybe because I was pointless at that time because of that damned project..



i told you natutuwa ako, hindi lang obvious..
you told me na hindi mo talaga makikita coz I’m really not..

and as far as I remember, all I said was.,
“okei.,mahabang byahe ‘to..mahabang iyakan..i suck..i failed school..i failed you..i fail everything..”

while walking right into the bus I told myself that I’m such a loser..phew..

now look how fucking stupid I am..
still alone in this almost full bus..
yet still with a half empty heart..



P.S.

the hug you wanted to give me.?
i was waiting for that eons ago.,I mean, like, since I entered AR213 and you weren’t there yet..
i waited..
but had no strength to tell you when you were already there..
had no strength to tell you that that was all I needed to regain all the self-esteem lost the moment I walked out of English class..


P.P.S.

it was raining really hard the whole trip home..
again..
i guess the sky really knows how to weep for me..

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