I tried to sleep early to avoid crying too much..

But I ended up bringing out Syg [my laptop]..

played her video [several times] doing Iris of Googoo dolls on the keyboard..

barely listening to the song., plainly looked at how her hand moved across the keys..

got her almost-empty bottle of perfume and sprayed it on Stripe [the teddy bear she gave me last
Christmas]..hugged Stripe as tightly as I could..inhaling the perfume..

looked intently at the ring I’m wearing, wondered how long it would stay around my fingers..

tried to avoid looking at our picture pasted on the wall..

stared at the left over mashed potato we had for dinner, tried to eat but everything seemed to be tasteless..

everything seemed to be senseless..

i feel so numb..

I feel so dumb..

This is the first time someone told me those things..

Things you knew from the start yet you’d only start to believe when someone tells you..

Things that are very true, things that hurts more when the one you love the most tells you straight to your face those things you could never admit..

Things that would cause you great difficulty in looking back at her again because of too much shame on yourself..

Suddenly, my plan of sleeping early was totally ruined..

It’s already 1:55am..

Still I’m hugging stripe, smelling the perfume and looking at our picture on the wall while playing the video..

Somehow the wonderment why my tear glands aren’t drying up yet irritates me..

I’m already tired yet why can’t I stop making mute sobs here just to keep my boardmates asleep..

Avoiding or immersing in my feelings.?

Either way I can’t breathe..i just don’t know what to do now..

All I know is I’m scared..scared that sooner or later she’ll give up because she’s already fed up..

Labels: nakita k0