Why is the world so desperate in making me feel unwanted?


I can’t stop crying, I wanted to talk but I just can’t coz I got nobody to talk to.. i got NOBODY..


I can’t even start making coherent thoughts because of the genuine hatred I’ve never felt for a long time now..


I wanted to hurt them as much as I wanted to hurt myself..


I just need something to release whatever my senses wanted me to do..


I HATE MYSELF..because I can’t stop crying over some things, people, thoughts, which I don’t know if their even worth my time because I’m not even worth an inch of their system..

I wanted to run right now to release this anger I’m dwelling in..but I just can’t coz I have nowhere to go..NOWHERE to go..

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


The day started with my father shouting at us at about 8:15am..

“Parang mga anak ng gobernador!”, referring to us who are still in bed at that time.


He always regarded us as princesslike and lazy because of waking up late. WTH.?! What do you call the people of our age who wake up at lunchtime?


We, “anak ng gobernador” tend to all the chores at home are lazy and unproductive! Plainly hateful, I may say..
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


We had breakfast, after that, he told me that I’ll be the one to cook the viand for lunch..then..he left..


I noticed that he already boiled the monggo but he didn’t give any further instructions after doing so..


Papa is the only one at home who knows how to cook..

Everybody else is clueless when it comes to kitchen work..


If not for Jan Love who just arrived from Lola’s house, I would be totally alien to what I was doing..


She instructed me to sauté this and slice that..

I got irritated by that time because whenever I ask questions, she’ll answer like a superior who knows everything about this planet and I’m one of her constituents who’s so stupid not to know how to slice a piece of meat for the sautéed monggo . I really felt like a total idiot when she talked to me.


She just learned how to cook that from Papa last year, now she’s talking to me like I was a moron messing up the kitchen..


Questions like:

How do I slice this meat? Thin or what?

Do I do the same to the onion? Mince it?

How much pepper?


I was just making sure what I was doing is right..I was just asking questions coz I really don’t know a thing. Would I ask if I already know what to do?! That’s why I’m asking, but it seems I’m forbidden to ask because she’s irritated by my simple questions that needs common sense..
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

COMMON SENSE..it is a familiar thought people get when they share the same ‘commons’..but the kitchen is not a ‘common’ to me..that’s why we don’t have the same ‘commons’ so she shouldn’t expect me to know what is common to her à Environmental Science and Philosophy combined

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


then Papa arrived from somewhere with so many things to complain, about the not –so-messy- house but a total catastrophe for Him [if you were there you can tell that nothing’s wrong, He just finds fault wherever He goes], the laundry [I just washed clothes yesterday, He wants it everyday I guess], everything..mostly my cooking..


I was ANGRY now, how could he complain that in the first place he never gave even a single instruction on what I need to do..im totally clueless on what I was about to cook then he left without warning.. He has no right to be fuming at me not knowing what to do..how could he?


He was ranting again..as usual..but it hit me hard when he mentioned again about school, books, computers and everything I’m busy about..


“Punong-puno na kasi ang utak mo kaka-computer at kaka-basa, kaya pinapa-delete ko sayo kung ano man ang andyan para may space pa para sa simpleng pagluluto!” he said mocking.

Rational in context, irrational in every sense..


How could he complain about my love for reading novels and using the computer to improve whatever skill I have for using so?


I wanted to shout back, “Buti nga ako hindi nagd-drugs! Wala akong bisyo! Alak at sigarilyo, wala! All I do is be productive with myself in everything I do!”


These are the things that totally distract me from this insignificant life of mine..


It is only when I’m doing this things I’m totally absorbed by the book or the simple commands in photoshop ..these are the things that occupy my mind wholly, leaving no room for things I’ve thought too much of..


Sorrow..pain..longing..emptiness..


“Buti na nga lang at hindi pa ako nagd-drugs o nagbibisyo sa dami ng pinoproblema ko ngayon!”


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I always do the laundry, fold the clothes when dry, pick up things they used and left it without returning to its rightful places, took charge of my sisters, check if everything is in order, iron clothes at times, in short – I play my role at home..


What more?! Am I still a bad daughter after everything I’ve done that’s why I’m prohibited reading books or using the computer? Is it my fault that after tiring myself with the chores at home I still need to distract myself because it’s the only way to escape my solitude? Is it still my fault?


But instead of saying these things to him, I just kept quiet because I’ll never win over my father..he was always right, at least for himself..


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


I didn’t notice that almost ¼ of the ¼ kg of meat I was slicing was almost crushed, I didn’t notice that while I was listening to him and thinking over stuff I was already mincing the meat that was supposed to be cut in small pieces..

cut in small pieces, not grind them with my own hands..

good thing for him though, because I’m not with myself anymore, I may have stabbed him with the knife in my hands, thanks to the meat in front of me..


then..i started talking to no one..


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


I finished cooking..went to the living room and got the hoop to do some exercise on releasing my anger..i was half-relieved when I felt sweat coming out from every inch of me..it’s like literally releasing negative energy..


Then Jan Love started babbling about what she was doing, she was editing the missal for our friends wedding..


JL: Manay hindi namin magetz ni Mommy yung pag-bookfold..


M: so bale naka-2 columns lang yan?


JL: May ginawa na sana dun si Mommy kaso inisa-isa niya hindi ko kinopya kasi magulo, yung

dati pa rin yung kinopya ko..


M: Kaya pala ang tagal mong matapos yan kasi ang gulo..


JL: eh hinayaan niyo si Mish guluhin eh!


[ginulo kasi ni Mish(bunso) yung stack of papers kanina]


M: hindi yun ang tinutukoy ko! Yung format ng ginagawa mo..


JL:bakit ka kasi nakikialam eh hindi ka naman nakakatulong?!


M: bakit kasi hindi kayo magpatulong sa marunong?


JL: Wala ka naman kasing alam bakit ka salita ng salita diyan?! Ipapaedit na lang namin ‘to ulit

kay Sir Dennis..


M: Eh yun naman pala eh, hindi mo naman yun sinabi agad so I just suggested!


JL: hindi ka nakakatulong okei?!!


M: Puta! Kahapon ka pa ah!


JL: kahapon ka pa rin! Nagumpisa ka lang maging ganyan dahil sa sinabi kong hindi mo matanggap!


M: eh sino naman kasi tatanggap nun eh wala ka namang alam!


JL: kung ayaw mo mapagsabihan eh di wag ka magkwento! Namimili ka lang kasi ng gusto mong pakinggan sa mga sinasabi ko!


M: you have no right to tell me anything kasi hindi ka naman nakikinig! Kelan man hindi mo ginustong makinig! You don’t have any right!


JL:fine! Di wag ka magkwento para wala kang marinig sakin, tao lang ako, may limitasyon, Diyos lang hindi maiiskandalo sa mga pinaggagagawa mo!


M: kaya nga eh tao ka lang! wala kang karapatan i-judge ako in any way!


JL: wag ka ng magkwento kung ayaw mong makarinig ng kahit ano!


M: fine.! Never.!


JL: [murmured something incomprehensible]


M: TUMIGIL KA NA.!


Then from there I locked myself in our room and started crying..


You may not get the point in our fight but it was really about me yesterday, talking about the status of my complicated lovelife to her like she always does to me.


I got offended when I found her not listening to me because she was texting Eric [her boyfriend] and she really isn’t interested to what I was talking about so she started offending me so that I’d stop talking to her.


She didn’t notice that she hurt my feelings that much so she was surprised when I started to ignore her, so, she ignored me as well to get even I guess..


I’m not that expressive, I dunno how to explain any further, bottomline..


WE QUARELLED..


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


People I get to deal with everyday are like this so NO ONE COULD EVER BLAME ME why I find it so hard to let go of the only person who treats me as if im the only significant thing in her life..next to God she’s the ONLY person I know who loves me genuinely whoever I was before, who I am now and whoever I will be tomorrow..


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


i wanna go HOME..

Labels: RANTics RANTology