ngayon lang ulit..ngayon lang 'to..

hai..


here i am..solo flight..sa Coko Cafe..fresh from a walkout scene..
nagbBlog or mas mainam nang sabihin na nagrRant..

AGITATED

that's how i feel right now..

panu ba naman eh nagkapikunan nanaman kami..

i dont wanna go into so much detail kasi lalo lang ako naaasar..

there are days na superlambing niya at ako ang wala sa mood,

there are also days na ako yung nasa happy_mode tapos siya yung nasa walang-pakialam_mode, well, unfortunately this is just one of those irritating days..

days that'd push you to go-home-and-sleep or go-somewhere-else-and-eat-a-lot mood..

she's naturally sweet as i may say but i know not all people would be like this and like that consistently everyday..i understand that..

what agitates me is that i'm doing my best to make her feel better,still,i'm useless as ever..she would never notice the efforts..she would never notice me trying hard to be noticed..wth.?!

hindi ako ganito sa kung sinong tao lang diyan..
heck..
nagpapapansin lang ako sa mga taong hindi ako mabubuhay na wala sila..

family..bestfriend..siya..

hindi ko kailangan magpapansin [modesty aside] kasi alam ko namang kahit hindi ako magpapansin ay may papansin at may papansin sakin..

either sa kakulitan ko..sa kaingayan ko..sa itsura ko..sa porma ko..sa mood ko..sa ugali ko..sa friendster[char.!]..sa katabaan ko..sa kakyutan ko [modesty aside diba] at sa kung anuanu pa..may magkcomment at may magkcomment dyan..

kaso di ko malaman kung bakit may mga taong..uhh..yung mga tao pa mismo na gusto mong makapansin sayo ang hindi nakakapansin sa gusto mong mapansin nila..

asar..that's the best word to describe the feeling..

wala lang naasar lang talaga ako kaya bigla akong napablog ng wala sa oras..

alam ko may kasalanan rin ako,masyado lang akong ma-pride to admit it right now,
yan tuloy namimiss ko nanaman kasi hindi niya ako sinundan nung nagwalkout ako,ayaw niya pa siguro akong makausap o masilayan ang nakasimangot kong pagmumukha..

sige next time ulit..kapag hindi na masyado negative energy ang tinatype ko..

Labels: nakita k0

I haven’t taken the communion since December because I haven’t confessed yet..

But I never knew before then that it was this difficult to deprive yourself of drinking His blood and eating His body..

i never felt so ashamed of myself..

i never felt so unworthy of His love..

just now..

i can feel it’s excruciating effect on me..

maybe nobody except my brothers and sisters at church can understand what I mean..

I feel so full of life yet empty of His’ love..

I never wanted to be a pagan..

it’s just that circumstances pushes me to be and proves me to be one..

anyway..i’ll still stick to the fact that no matter what, He loves me so much and He’ll do everything just to bring me back..

Labels: il cammino

..Roxanne Jessa Plopinio Jacutan..

purely random..

.16 years 7 months as of today
.First year college taking up AB Communications
.Graduated at Naga City Science High School
.Talented..need enumeration.?
.Okei..
.Been the Feature Editor in their high school publication.
.Promoted as a Staff Writer of ThePILLARS within a semester.
.Praised as one who does articles brilliant as well as fast.
.She knows how to sketch and draw neatly and artistically.
.She’s one of the best writers I’ve ever met.
.She’s a great blogger that’s why she convinced me unknowingly that blogging is a good stuff to express myself and how I feel about things.
.She knows how to play the piano and she does it well.
.She played my fave song Iris without a copy [I guess] and even took it’s video through a digicam just to show it to me on our “happy happy” [monthsary as she calls it]
.She knows how to play the guitar and she does it better..
.She can’t dance ‘coz she doesn’t want to, but I know if ever she’ll have the will she CAN..
.She knows how to sing, not tone deaf like me..
.She could be a great cook/chef someday, I went crazy over the carbonara and mashed potatoes she prepared for my birthday..wish you’re there so I had witnesses and tasted it,too.
.She’s the sweetest in this universe. Mushy at times.. J
.She’s like a cat. Niaw.niaw.niaw..
.She purrs like one and acts like one most of the time specially when there’s nothing to do or when there’s so much to do.
.She kisses passionately as if there’s no tomorrow.
.She hugs tenderly that’s why I never want to let go whenever I’m in her arms.
.She hates vegetables.
.She loves stuff labeled with Bench, Penshoppe, Human, Oxygen, etc.
.She loves polo shirts with stripes.
.She doesn’t care about money when she sees something she’s really dying to buy.
.She hates her pimples a lot.
.She hates it when we’re talking about boobs.Haha.!
.She looks like a conyo but she’ll never admit that she really is.
.She’s a music lover that when you play any song she can sing along with it.
.She’s addicted to coffee and coke.
.She’s talented when it comes to the software adjustments of a computer.
.Her favorite color is purple.
.She loves Mickey Mouse.
.She loves cats but hates Hello Kitty. Niawr.
.She has enormous hands and feet.
.Sha hates using an umbrella.
.She loves to answer people 'ewan' or 'wala lang' even if she has so many things to say just to cut the conversation short.
.She loves ranting. [to chosen people only]
.She always tells me that she moved on already when i've hurt her even if it means that she still needs the whole night to move on the next morning.
.She always smells great.
.She's an Obsessive Compulsive [OC] type.
.She's damn time conscious. She always looks at her watch and can give you the number of minutes you took a bath or how long you were out of her sight.
.She drinks water like bird [just a sip].
.She loves reading Michael Crichton and some other authors i dont know.Haha.!
.She's hard to please, that's why i just love it whenever i make her smile.
.Sometimes she gets too predictable that's why i know how to counteract.Haha.!
.She's an auditory learner.
.She hates averybody who likes me as much as she does.
.She's possessive and i'm loving every proof of it.
.She loves gummy worms.
.She would really look more beautiful than her ate if she'd be a girly girl.

I can still tell you so many things about her but I lack time in telling you everything..maybe i'll have another post in continuation for this one..

I also don’t know her that much yet that’s why I’ll stop for now..

Actually, I wanna say ‘I know nothing about her’ or ‘I have no opinion on who she really is’ coz I would never want to box her within my ideas on who she is.
She still has the freedom to change herself or whatever she wishes to. I can never put an end to my knowledge of who she is because the only constant thing in this world is change therefore she is still subject to those changes.

And I just love her no matter what those changes will be.

Labels: nakita k0

I failed school, I failed you..

sitting alone in this half empty bus with a half empty heart..

tears trickle down my cheeks unnoticed, leaving the neckline of my shirt all wet..

it was just a minute after you left and I sat down when I took out my pen and paper to write this entry..

i could never have any better outlet at this time, instead of making the other passengers notice me sobbing, I just took out this stuff to write things out..

i thought this was enough..well, before it was..but now, I’m writing and crying at the same time..




i know you did that because of me..

even if I may sound assuming, I know this time I was right..
even though you tried to conceal the real reason..i knew it already even before I asked you..

you skipped class because of me..
because of the stupid me..
you skipped class to waste your time with me..
you skipped class to make me feel better..
you skipped class because you wanted to hug me..to calm me down..

to calm me because you felt how bothered I was because I got zero for the whole term in English..

i got zero because I didn’t give any effort in finishing my course project we we’re working on together..

i have disappointed you and Kate, I know how much effort you’ve put in that project of mine…

i have disappointed you in making me feel better coz I was so worried about the lesson you missed in Theology..i know you know how important it is to attend classes right.?

and I would never want to be the reason why you skipped one..
that’s why you never gave me that answer when I was asking you,
“Give me a valid reason kung bakit di ka papasok sa Theo.?”
all you could tell me was,
“Wala lang, ayoko lang, isn’t that reason enough.? Wala rin naman akong mauunawaan if I would stay there..”

at wala akong ibang ginawa kundi ang ulit-ulitin ang tanong na yunkahit na alam ko na rin naman yung sagot..stupid me..

you just dunno how much I wanted to kiss you when you looked straight into my eyes in front of my boarding house..

you just dunno how much I wanted to hug you inside the tricycle..

i just dunno how to because we were so cold at each other..




now, this is the second time that we parted ways still cold to each other and not clearing things up..

if I could just stay with you..
if I wouldn’t have to go home for church..
things would’ve been much better now..hai..

if I could just make you feel that your effort to make me feel better warmed my chilling heart the moment you told me that all you wanted was to hug me..

but I was so senseless, maybe because I was pointless at that time because of that damned project..



i told you natutuwa ako, hindi lang obvious..
you told me na hindi mo talaga makikita coz I’m really not..

and as far as I remember, all I said was.,
“okei.,mahabang byahe ‘to..mahabang iyakan..i suck..i failed school..i failed you..i fail everything..”

while walking right into the bus I told myself that I’m such a loser..phew..

now look how fucking stupid I am..
still alone in this almost full bus..
yet still with a half empty heart..



P.S.

the hug you wanted to give me.?
i was waiting for that eons ago.,I mean, like, since I entered AR213 and you weren’t there yet..
i waited..
but had no strength to tell you when you were already there..
had no strength to tell you that that was all I needed to regain all the self-esteem lost the moment I walked out of English class..


P.P.S.

it was raining really hard the whole trip home..
again..
i guess the sky really knows how to weep for me..

Labels: nakita k0