para sakin..ito na siguro ang pinaka hindi ko pinag-isipan na blog..hai..

bakasyon ko na..so what.?

nasa Ligao na ako..so what.?

namimiss ko na siya..so what.?

hindi ako lumalabas ng bahay except pag-gabi na pupunta ng church or ngayong gabi na lumabas kami ng kapatid ko para mag-net..so what.?

hai..ewan..gusto ko ng bumalik ng Naga..
kaso April 13, 2009 pa ang pinakahihintay kong araw na may valid reason akong bumalik dun..

ayos na rin kami ni Nakita ngayon..well.,i'd like to think so..

i think.,'moving on' is not the term..

i dunno..kahit magkasalungat pa rin naman ang pananaw namin.,kahit nag-iiyakan pa rin kami everytime na may hindi pinagkakasunduan eh hindi ko alam kung pano ko nasasabing OKEI NA KAMI..

siguro kasi ineenjoy na lang namin ang mga panahon na magkasama kami..that's it..

though hindi kasing saya ng dati pero iba naman kasi yung happiness na meron kami ngayon..
friendly.? i think not..siguro in time we'll just learn how to..
hindi ko rin naman inaasahan na ngayon na yun..i just hope na maitama na talaga namin 'tong sitwasyon..

2 weeks and 4 days kaming di magkikita..
nakatakas ako sa kanya..nakatakas din siya sakin..
the term 'takas' fits.. i dunno why..
hindi naman sa tinatakasan namin ang isa't-isa..
i would just like to think na makakatulong yung mahabang panahon na yun para makontrol ang mga sarili namin at makapagisip-isip sa buhay..ewan..

i miss her badly..

hai..kelan kaya ulit ako makakapag-blog..

im flat broke..so what.?

rawr..sana magsiuwian na ang AstigerZ para may umaabala naman sa napaka-stagnant kong buhay..

wala na akong ibang ginawa kindi maglaro sa laptop..maglaba..magsoundtrip..matulog at kumain..

sana bukas mamalayan ko April 13 na..gusto ko na siya makita..

Labels: nakita k0, RANTics RANTology

Kung kelan patapos na ang sem.,nawawala ang ID ko..

Nawawala rin ang SRA Certificate na pinaghirapan kong matapos at makuha sa loob ng dalawang sem..

Hindi ko pa naaasikaso ang INC ko kay Mam Garol sa Christology..

0% ako sa Midterms sa English kaya yung 100% eh automatic 80% na lang at ngayong Finals eh ramdam kong wala man lang akong nagawa upang bawiin yun..

Bagsak ang karamihan ng quizzes ko sa Envi Sci..

Hindi na ako nakikinig sa lectures ni Sir Toots sa favorite kong subject na COMM..

Hindi ko pa rin tapos ang journal at reflection paper tungkol sa immersion na supposed to be eh last last week pa ang deadline..

Pakiramdam ko ako’y isang lobo na hinihipan hanggang sa nasobrahan,tapos tinali, pinakawalan, at ngayon ay sumasabay na lang kung san tangayin ng hangin..parang lobo pakiramdam ko wala akong laman at kahit anong oras na madikitan ng kahit anong bagay ay puputok na lang, maglalaho, di na makikita kailanman..

Ewan..I mean nothing’s going right, my life’s a mess..

I just dunno what to do with myself..

I may sound stupid but everything seems to be worthless..

I know she’s tired already but the fucking fact is that I can’t go on with my life without her by my side..

She’s moving on..i’m STRANDED..what a shame..

Labels: emoteRAnt, nakita k0

Its raining..

Yet, last night I saw the sky, clear, shimmering with lights..

Well..

i guess..

The star studded sky was never meant to be a sign to a bright and sunny day..


Now..

it’s raining..

and I’m soaking wet..

Labels: blue thoughts

I’m not a good actress..actually Jenn said I was a lousy one..

Kahit pa sandamakmak ng theatre or acting workshop na ang pinagdaanan ko eh why can’t I use my knowledge on that thing on these kind of situations..

Yea..i know I’m stupid..

ITINAMA ko lang ang MALI..

Yan ang tanging naisasagot ko sa mga taong nag-aabalang magtanong kung buhay pa ba ako..

Actually, I’m dying..i’m killing myself..

Naniniwala na lang ako sa bible na ‘we need to die in order to gain life’..
Naniniwala na lang ako sa tinuro sa Philo class namin na ‘every end is a beginning, every beginning is an end..’

Everything is suffocating..kahit pa sabihing nagpapansinan na kami or what..

It’s so hard to restrain myself from holding her hand,touching her hair, clasping her arms, hugging her, kissing her..it’s killing me..

Ito na yata yung sinasabing ‘so near yet so far’..

I know I don’t have to right to complain coz it was my decision but it doesn’t mean that I don’t have the right to be hurt by that decision and by every action I need to take that comes with it..

Honestly, I’m not doin’ well..

Every morning I don’t know where I get the strength to get out of bed..parang gusto ko na lang mahiga maghapon..paliguan ng luha si Baby Stripe..hintaying gumabi at matulog na lang ulit..

Napaka-emo..unproductive..miserable..yan ang mga madalas na comment nila sakin ngayon..

What the heck.?! Haven’t you experienced being torn into pieces and those tiny pieces were scattered where you can never find them..

How do I feel? I feel empty..

Para akong nakatali sa isang upuan habang pinapanuod siyang mapilitang layuan ako, pinapanuod siyang mapilitang hindi gawin ang mga bagay na nakakapagpasaya samin, pinapanuod siyang unti-unting mawalan ng pag-asa na may ‘kami’ pa, pinapanuod siyang masaktan ng bawat kibot ko na hindi naman talaga ayon sa gusto kong gawin,pinapanuod siyang mapilitang huwag na lang akong mahalin..

Ewan ko..everything is just so painful to the point na hindi mo na alam kung anong gagawin sa sarili mo..

Bestfriends..ganun kami..parang lumulunok ako ng libo-libong bala ng stapler kapag sinasabi ko yun..

Gusto kong isipin na isa itong malaking gaguhan pero hindi pa naman sakin nawawala yung pag-asa na magiging ayos din kami sa ganitong sitwasyon opagdating ng tamang panahon..

Sabi ko nga sa kanya eh sana may guidelines or may school na lang para sa ‘Art of Moving On’..

Monday nangyari..

Nung Tuesday eh mghapon akong ngumawa, maghapon siyang umarte na as if everything’s fine and under control..maghapon niyang kasama ang CC11 samantalang ako eh pinagtyagaan na lang ni Kate at Chan na samahan na magmukmok sa classroom at sa my kubo..

Ngayong araw na’to eh maghapon kaming magkasama kasama ang CC11 na as if walang nangyari..magkadikit lagi like the usual ‘us’..at maraming di naniniwala na mag-bestfriends na lang nga kami..

Two very different days..totally opposite from each other..

Now I’m just afraid on what’s gonna happen tomorrow..

Baka iba nanaman kasing coping mechanisms ang i-try namin..

Pagod na’ko umiyak..pagod na rin ako magpigil..di ko na alam kung ano gagawin ko bukas..

Hindi ko kakayaning iwasan niya pa ako..napakaselfish ko.,I know..

Labels: emoteRAnt, nakita k0

Pain..

That’s all there is left now..

I don’t know what to do..

i don’t know what’s gonna happen next..

I don’t know how to face the world without her holding my hands..

Pain..

That’s all I feel for now..

Seems like I’m numb to the other realities of the world..

The only reality left is the ME without HER..

Pain..

That’s all I know for now..

Everything vivid turned to motionless statues or black and white sketches..

Everything tangible turned to ash when touched..

Everything heard turned to non-sensical noises that fills my head and makes me want to blend
to it and vanish into eternity as the echo goes further..

Everything turned to nothing..

All that matters doesn’t matter anymore to me now coz the only thing that matters wants to drift away and search for the tiny pieces I’ve scattered..

I’m not regretting anything coz I know what we had was something far beyond special..that it’s okei that I’m hurting now coz I know what I’m crying about was all worth it..

She may wish that she shouldn’t have loved me from the start..it’s painful to hear that because for me it’s okei that im hurting now, its fine with me coz I know what we had may have not lasted but it doesn’t mean that it isn’t real.. it doesn’t mean it isn’t true..

Labels: emoteRAnt, nakita k0